Anxiety and other things

I don't know if it's sensory input overload (if so, it's still technically minor), or not yet recognizing problems existing... I don't know if I feel guilty for not upholding certain standards, such as caffeine and dairy. I don't know if it's from eating poorly (probably). I do what I can. With money, I mean. My cats are getting neglected by my finances, and that is admittedly 100% wrong and inexcusable. But for a moment, not factoring them in the equasion, I do what I can... I am behind the times wardrobe- and fashion-wise, and last paycheck I spent just about every available cent I had on a few new things. I care about modernity (is that a word?), and maintaining and exceeding the benchmark as much as possible... I care to hang with the top dogs, the top league of folks... because that is the league I see myself in, and that it's only a matter of meeting your best potential and living it on a daily basis. As for living a conscious lifestyle, when I'm being good, I'm pretty much as good as it gets. Except for that going the extra mile part. I mean about being hardcore... I can do that well. But other people carry out braver, more noble acts than me all the time. Envious and even slightly jealous I am of their success there. I'm sure it's mindset, but I feel completely unsuccessful in my ventures. Passionate and serious, but unsuccessful.

Now I know there's plenty of times when you're doing something right, something well, something good-- and for whatever reason, people don't want to tell you about it. So you can't always measure yourself against public input or reception. Sometimes you get completely negative reception, which from a broader perspective can be seen as successful... but I feel like people only laugh or scoff at my ideas and ideals. I wish they would just listen. I wish they had more compassion. I do not mind working hard for these things. Maybe I just need to get out there more-- that maybe it's a numbers game, and I haven't done it consistently enough or enough at all to see results I favor. I would love to be like shopping one day and have someone come up to me unexpectedly and say they gave up meat because of me. (But not in an attempt to impress me... I'm sick of that fake bullshit.)

There's so much more, though! When you're as concerned and passionate about the movement as I am, you are being made aware constantly of horrors and atrocities or daily nuisances and injustices that plague you, and it would be difficult to translate it quickly and easily to other people. Yet each second that these things go on is critical... I wish I could just make it clear how we need to stop using animals altogether, because we're so backed up in damage, I just need the production line to stop. You know what I mean?

So, my anxiety... sometimes I wake up with it. I recall, process and analyze my dreams, form all necessary conclusions, mark them in my head, appreciate their help and entertainment, and then hope to go about my day. But sometimes, notably lately (last couple of days at least), I still have an underlying feeling of anxiety or some other raucous emotion. (Ha, I used that word, but I don't even know what it means... but I like it there, and perhaps have a subconscious understanding of it, and think it probably fits. xP)

I feel guilty when I'm not spending every waking moment of my life furthering the AR movement. Seriously. Except when I'm working, there's not much I can do about that. And I don't care for a high-sidity job with more responsibilities, and kind of like the low-life a little bit, so the consequence is less pay, and working more hours to make more money. Plus, I just go with the flow and take whatever hours they give me. For the most part, I don't care if they give me 26 hours one week and 40 another. I just don't care. Hey, either way, I win... more hours, more money. Less hours, more free time. (As long as it's well spent.)

Slightly off subject, but then again not, here's a list of the things that are particularly more difficult to deal with lately for some reason:

a) If you ask anyone, they'll testify that I love patchouli. But I just put some on, and the distinctness of the smell is bothering me. (I've got it, I think my senses are heightened right now for some reason.)

b) I had to turn on the radio when I was sure my sister was asleep, because unbearably catchy songs are staying in my head like the cruel imprints from branding irons. Driving home, even though I'd heard a completely different session and stream of music at work, and even though the car seems somewhat sick right now and so the radio wasn't wishing to work, and I heard no music, I could not get this song out of my head that is currently in over-rotation on the damn radio. Even though it was done as a means of relief from the circumstances, the radio on at all is bothering me. I had to turn it off.

c) I guess that's it.